Each year in America alone, nearly 1 million marriages end in divorce. This is an incredible number! That would be as if all the citizens of Houston Texas were divorced (each divorce leaves 2 people).
The question is: how many of these marriages could be saved. Unfortunately, this is an invisible number. If the marriage stays together, it is difficult to find statistics. Marian Wright Edelman wrote stories as statistics tears washed away.
Can your marriage be saved? If I could answer that question, I would be a rich man. I can tell you if your marriage is in trouble and do nothing, the result is guaranteed. If you do something, there are more chances that your marriage will absolutely be saved.
And I can tell you in four simple steps what you can do to save marriage. You can start now , but you must understand that I said "simple", This is not the same as "easy". These steps are not easy. They do, however, give a path to follow if you want to change the fate of a troubled marriage.
Here are the 4 steps:
1) Quit the blame game. Stop blaming the faults of the spouse, and stop blaming yourself. This is the first step because marriages get frozen in the model of blame that immobilizes any prospect of progress. Instead, the pace is pulled down and down.
Blame is our way of avoiding seeing ourselves clearly. It is much easier to point the finger somewhere and say "It's their fault." But in marriage, you can just as easily turn that pointing finger on yourself and place the blame there, saying "it's all my fault."
Unfortunately, blame feels good in the short-term, but in the long-term, it prevents any shift or change. So, even if you can make a long list of why you or your spouse should be blamed, forget it. Even if that list is factual, it will not help you put your marriage back together. Blame is the fuel of divorces.
2) Take responsibility. Decide what you can do something. Change always begins with a person who wants to see change. Understand that taking responsibility is not the same as taking the blame. (see above)
Instead, blame is saying "regardless of who is at fault, there are some things I can do differently, and I am going to do them." What buttons do you allow your spouse to push? What buttons do you push with your spouse? Decide not to allow those buttons to be pushed and stop pushing the buttons.
What amazes me in my counseling is that everyone knows what they should be doing or not doing. But it is difficult to move in that direction. Don't be caught in that. Decide that you will take action.
The difference between blame and responsibility is this: if I am in a burning building, I can stand around trying to figure out who started the blaze, why it has spread so quickly, and who I am going to sue when it is over (blame), or I can get myself and anyone else I can out of that building (taking responsibility). When a marriage is in trouble, the house is on fire. How will you take action to save the marriage?
3) Get resources from experts. If others have been helped, you can be, too. Experts with a great deal more perspective and experience can be a real help in these situations. Do your research and divide the useless from the useful, then take advantage of the useful.
Don't assume that your situation is so different from every other situation. I can tell you that after 20-some years of providing therapy, not too much new comes through my doors. Don't get me wrong; the story changes, but the dynamics are the same.
Remember what Albert Einstein said, "The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them." In other words, what got you into trouble will not get you out of trouble. That requires a whole new level of thinking. And that is what you get from an outside expert, someone with a fresh perspective.
4) Take action. More damage is done by doing nothing, taking a false step. It is too easy to be paralyzed by the situation. Therapists often speaks of "analysis paralysis". This happens when people are so caught up in their thoughts and attempts to beat to "understand things" have never tried it.
Not enough to understand just what is causing the problem. Then you must act! Every day, I think people come to my office with the belief that if only we can understand your problem will be solved. Just do not. Resolving the situation is the action.
Will your marriage be saved? If you follow my suggestions, you have infinitely more opportunity for saving your marriage than if you do nothing. Marriage is one of those places where it takes two to make it work, but only one to really mess things up. You can only do your part, but many times, that is enough. Resolve not to ask the question but to begin to act.
